A Dime a Day is Pain Underway
by Strife Atreyu
Summary: Because how else can you teach a bunch of teenage superhumans the value of money? Rated for language and possible dirty jokes.


**Hey, hey! Another humor story! Wow, another one when I haven't even finished the first one...**

**Wow, I'm irresponsible.**

**Okay, so I was leafing through the dissidia fandom for any decent stories. On a side note, Cloud sure is popular, nowadays...anyway, I found this story called Jobs, Money and Chaos. I suggest you all check it out. Some seriously funny crap happens there, and no one is exempt.  
**

**Anyway, here's the first chapter...and I do hope this doesn't make you puke your guts out from how unfunny it may or may not be. Leave a review or a fave if you like it. If you don't, well, there's an arrow on the top left of your browser. Press it and you can save yourself the trouble of reading it.**

**XxXxX**

It was a normal, peaceful day in the Den. The cafeteria food was growling, Sakaki was experimenting and the Gods Eaters were relaxed...well, as relaxed as you could be when facing the daily threat of ingestion into an aragami's intestines.

The first unit in particular was quite amenable today. Kota and Saya were watching a Bugarally show in a portable video player, Alisa was staring at the duo with a mildly exasperated glare while shifting through her magazine, Lindow was getting drunk at seven in the morning, Soma was brooding, and Sakuya was reading a novel.

The lobby was empty apart from them and Hibari, who seemed to think that being a receptionist required her to be a mix of a statue and happy, smiling teenage cutie. Nothing could be heard from the floor apart from the usual sound of ruffling paper, background anime effects and deafening shouts of enthusiasm coming from a pink and red headed duo as they watched another explosion span the screen of their gadget.

Yes, it was a peaceful day, with a peaceful flow and a peaceful future...

**BAM!**

"YOU!"

Or not...

Angrily stomping up to his team, the current first unit leader pointed to all of them with an accusing finger. Everyone looked strangely at the blonde as he marched to them, looking like he'd been told that he was no longer permitted to take naps for the rest of his life. Wolf's glare was seething with unbridled rage, and Saya feared her brother might have a heart attack from the very way he seemed to be panting with animalistic anger.

"You! You! You! You! ALL OF YOU!" He pointed at all of them, one at a time then slammed his hands on the table between the group so hard that the cedar cracked under the force.

"...Er...hi?" Kota spoke up meekly, eeping in terror when the leading new-type turned a wrathful glare at him; the redhead hid behind Saya to escape.

"Woah...Wolf, what's got you up in such a bad mood? You look like somebody who has indigestion, a hangover and the flu, all at the same time," Lindow held up a placating hand, though that didn't seem to magically calm the blonde any.

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! You're all wasteful!" the first unit leader stated.

Alisa frowned, "Wasteful? We're perfectly responsible with our resources."

Kota and Saya nodded along.

"Oh, really?" Wolf raised an eyebrow. Alisa nodded sternly, crossing her arms and standing to level with her leader, "Do you know what's in your hand?"

Alisa raised her own eyebrow in response. The platinum haired girl glanced down at the magazine folded in her palm before turning back to Wolf, "A magazine."

"Oh, I can tell it's a magazine," Wolf waved a hand dismissively, "I want to know who, in all of Japan sells **Russian** magazines."

"Er...it's imported...from the Russian branch..."

"Oh...imported...all the way from good old motherland. So, from such a far-off place, that means you pay, what, a few thousand global bills for delivery? And you do this every month, yes?"

"Well...no,"

"Really? And why is that?"

"...Because Fenrir pays for it?"

"Oh, wow. It must be nice not having to pay for anything."

Alisa turned red, "I-it's only one magazine..."

"Oh? So explain to me," He reached into his hoodie's pocket and pulled out a stack of magazines – all of them written in a foreign language., "What are these?"

"Er..."

"Not to mention your clothes. All of them are ordered through the magazines, right? With what do you buy them with? Fenrir credits? Those things are useless for anything but military supplies."

Alisa sat back down, a black cloud swirling overhead.

_Number 1 defeated_

With the fall of his first opponent, the blonde levelled a glare at Soma, who didn't so much as flinch and even sent one of his own back, "Now, you."

"Go screw yourself. You've got nothing on me."

Wolf raised another eyebrow in response, "You're a piece of art. No, really. Of all the people I know, I didn't expect you to be a gun fanatic."

At those words, the white haired buster wielder paled, "How did you – ?!"

Wolf cut him off, "Fourteen hundred rounds of .45 caliber bullets, fifteen mags for pistol frames, twelve mags for assault rifles, nine hundred rounds of .22 caliber rifle ammunition, a brand new M4A1 light assault rifle, and enough cleaning supplies for an entire SWAT team. God, who the hell are you?! Rambo?"

Every word took its toll on the veteran; a rock seemed to slam onto his shoulders with every description of his monthly inventory expenses. At the last word of Wolf's rather long list, Soma slumped, a cloud raining overhead.

_Number 2 defeated_

"And you two..."

Saya and Kota flinched.

"Explain to me..." the blonde frowned aggressively, placing one hand on the bridge of his nose and pinching it, "Why the hell did you guys buy twenty copies of every Bugarally season there is...in HD, no less."

"...Because we didn't want to lose a season?" Saya timidly spoke,

...

"...What?"

"Y-you know when you see an epically amazing episode of a series and then just go, 'Woah! Awesome!' and then you keep on watching that episode again and again and again until you get sick of it and just throw it away into some corner?" Kota tried to hurriedly explain.

Wolf kept on staring, "...What?"

"Un!" the blonde's little sister nodded in agreement with her redheaded partner in crime, "And then after a few days you suddenly feel like watching that episode again, only to find that you can't find it anymore? And then you wreck your room trying to find it only to never see it until you accidentally step on the case and break it into a million pieces?"

"...that sounds so...so..." Wolf struggled to find the word, "...I can only think of 'stupid' but somehow that just isn't...enough."

"Well..." Sakuya spoke up, "...they're at least very prepared."

"Sakuya," Wolf sighed, "Please...don't...encourage...stupid..."

"It's not stupid, nii-chan!" Saya pouted, "We did what was necessary! For the good of anime!"

"Saya, I love you, but you're hurting my brain."

_Numbers 3 and 4...defeated(?)_

"Hehe...well, they've learned their lessons Wolf," Lindow chuckled, "I think they'll learn to cut back in their expenses. So why don't we just calm down, and-"

"Oh, I'm not finished yet," Wolf interrupted, "We still have one last person to deal with."

Lindow raised an eyebrow then turned to Sakuya. The busty medic raised an eyebrow, as if to ask, 'Really? You think it's me?'

"It's not Sakuya, Lindow. In fact, she's the only one not hurting the Den's wallet in an economically disastrous level."

Lindow frowned then looked to his left. No one there. Then he looked to his right. Again, there was no one there. Finally, the man raised his human arm and pointed one finger at himself.

"Yes...you."

"But...I don't-"

"Alcohol," Soma spoke up from his slump.

"Cigarettes," Alisa continued.

"Porn," Sakuya sighed.

Lindow slumped, "You traitors..."

_Number 5 defeated_

"Which leads me to my predicament," Wolf sighed.

"Which would be?" Sakuya asked,

"Tsubaki's pissed,"

Everyone in hearing range paled in terror.

In the receptionist's area, Hibari turned to their conversation and backed away in horror, knocking into her desk. The merchant, though a distance away spazzed erratically, accidentally crushing an expensive looking object when he fell forward. The lights dimmed and went out for a few seconds before coming back on. In the room just outside of the lobby, Licca stiffened and made a mental note to ask for a three day leave from the Den, as soon as possible. The rats in a hole squeaked in anguish, and the world for that one moment felt as if it incarnated all their horrors into a male. The said male then being kicked in the crotch so hard that all of reality simultaneously felt it.

"Ohshitohshitohshitohshit," Soma swore under his breath.

Saya meanwhile was hyperventilating, looking very close to throwing a lung back up while Kota and Alisa hugged each other in complete and utter trepidation of what was to come. Lindow looked as if somebody had made all the beer in the world disappear and Sakuya was trying to convince herself that if worse came to worst, she at least wouldn't be included in the fallout...maybe.

"What do we do?!" Kota screamed, "What do we do?!"

"It's simple," Wolf leaned forward and slapped a bunch of manila folders down on the desk, "these are our résumés."

"For as long as Fenrir feels it appropriate for you all to learn your lesson," And in this part, Wolf sighed before continuing.

"We, and this includes Sakuya and I, are all gonna work part-time jobs."


End file.
